The importance of feeling understood
We continue our journey into the realm of listening with a shift in perspective, taking the interlocutor’s point of view. We have said that active listening allows us to build meaningful interactions not only at a content level but also at an emotional level. In fact, an empathic resonance, where we momentarily make the other person’s emotions our own so that their feelings resonate within us, leads to feedback that acknowledges that we are different from the other person. Because empathy is not intrusion or symbiosis but rather “putting oneself in the other’s shoes.” If the other person feels understood, the relationship between the two interlocutors is strengthened. Therefore, the other side of active listening is the perception that our emotions, moods, and actions make sense to others, are of interest to them, and are respected. In other words, they are validated.
However, it’s important to note that validation doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing with what has been said. It is, instead, a way to demonstrate that you understand what the other person is feeling without trying to dissuade them or make them feel ashamed.
Why is it so important to feel validated?
The answer is simple: we all have an innate need to feel understood, both in times of pain and in times of joy. Knowing that someone—a parent, partner, friend, or boss—truly understands us somehow makes us feel good and also helps to create or strengthen our bond with that person. In other words, empathy is essential for our well-being and that of others; but if we extend the concept to a broader relational context, it also represents an extraordinary skill that allows us to feel good within a community and to be recognized as its members.
Here are 8 reasons why you feel the need to be understood:
- You receive confirmation of your identity. When others see you as you wish to be seen and communicate that these aspects of you are understandable and acceptable, they assure you that who you believe you are is justified and comprehensible. Being understood is a confirmation of your sense of self.
- You feel more real. This is particularly significant during childhood when, feeling disoriented, we take our first steps into the unknown world and build our identity by relying completely on external signals from adults. With appropriate proportions, external confirmations are necessary to define ourselves, as we are primarily social creatures.
- You feel you belong to someone. Feeling understood connects you to people, making you feel accepted and wanted.
- You gain personal power. Being understood allows you to stop stumbling in the dark or, at the very least, to find a glimmer of light. When someone acknowledges your experiences, you have their approval and the extra strength to pursue what you might not have chased without that interaction. Additionally, knowing that someone believes in us increases the importance we assign to a certain thing.
- You better regulate your emotions. Offering validation helps the other person better regulate their emotions. This is important when dealing with complex, intricate, and difficult-to-manage emotions.
- You gain a greater understanding of yourself. The other person, with their experiences, can add insights that help you develop a deeper understanding of what you are communicating.
- You improve the quality of your relationships. When you feel understood, you are more inclined to reveal your true self, including your facets and flaws. In response, the other person will be equally honest with you and will show more vulnerability. This considerably increases the quality of the relationship because it induces a deep connection between you, and you both feel emotionally safer.
- You are protected from possible isolation. Feeling understood and connected to those around us is like an antidote to feelings of alienation and separation. A study by Morelli, Torre, and Eisenberg (2014) is particularly interesting as it demonstrates that feeling understood promotes sociality and interpersonal closeness, while not being understood causes isolation and distance. Through the use of magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) on participants, the researchers discovered that being understood activates neural areas originally associated with reward and social connection. Conversely, not being understood activates areas linked to negative emotions and social pain.
In conclusion, human connections guide our behaviors. By making the other person feel understood, cared for, and valued, we are effectively working well across various domains of their inner world and external environment, strengthening their self-esteem and relational networks.
– Wendy Fiagbe, 10th August 2024
